lucky.

that's all i'm going to say tonight. i'm seriously lucky i have my family in my life. i can't say i deserve it. but, i'm going to try reallllllly hard to deserve their love and the ridiculously nice things they do for me.

i'm insanely tired. 5.5 hours sleep is NOT enough.  hoping for 7ish tonight?! i have another 12 hour day tomorrow.  is it the 3 day weekend yet?!  i'm hoping for some cheap fun with friends that doesn't involve shopping.  it's SO EASY for the fall back plan to be shopping....i need something else!  the good news is i didn't shop today-go me!

so sleepy.

promise promise promise to try harder. i feel like a disaster w/ unpaid bills and a loaded debit card. i need to be stronger and less pathetic. sigh.

oops.

i had another horrendous stressful day at work. went walking around and ended up buying $34 lip gloss at bergdorf goodman. woops. at least i paid cash and it's cute, right? i got the one called cannes: http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/store/catalog/prod.jhtml?itemId=prod37100001&parentId=cat288206&masterId=cat288321&index=5&cmCat=cat000000cat000005cat000017cat10022cat288321cat288206

i'll do better, i'll do better, i'll do better!! tomorrow i have plans to go out tomorrow night w/ my friends. i need a night out!

goals this week

return some crap i don't really need, not go out for lunch (besides the in house work cafe), not take one cab to work, and to NOT work 58 hours!  doable?  we shall see. and not use ONE credit card all week. one week at a time, one week at a time.

bender.

why, oh why did old navy and gap have to have everything 30% off all weekend?  did damage, but not TOO bad.  and babysat and made $70. at least i didn't charge anything, although some of my cash would have been better used for paying bills.  may see if i have anything i can return....

either way, have a fabulous weekend.  started off today bright and early with a mitzvah (good deed) by volunteering to deliver food to older jewish ladies today.  so that's what life looks like when the men die, huh?  incredibly morbid and awful thought.  but kinda true.  i just hope i first of all, make it as long as they do, and two, have cute and adorable grandchildren to brag about.

i think i have some stuff i can return....that will make me certainly feel better.  mostly just got tshirts, tank tops from the gap and old navy.  they need to be replaced from time to time.  white shirts NEVER stay white, and black tees just get yucky.

i was cranky and almost went to jcrew.  luckily the store was closing so i couldn't go in.  was the universe trying to tell me something?  probably.

stress.

14 hour day. not fun. and right smack in the middle of this long day? a $200 bill for anesthesia from the endoscopy i had two weeks ago.  but not a bill.  they charged me already. the anesthesiologist is a freelancer who comes in my doctor's office to do procedures twice a week. anyway, after a near meltdown, i called my mom.  she felt bad and is sending some $$ to cover the bill so i can pay my rent/bills.  i can't wait for the day when i can send presents and stuff to my parents so i can repay them for all the help they've given me over the years.

anyway.  i'm getting better.  i've been browsing/shopping online so much less at work.  i think the less i do it, the easier it will get.  i did however, cheat a little.  i went to the gap after work (30% off, come on!) and bought a few tshirts.  they were on sale and then 30% off of that.  one's going back b/c i don't love it.  at least i didn't buy jeans or something expensive!  and i paid cash!  so there are so pluses.  still need to cut back.  but a few clean tshirts for work are never bad, right? i need to swing by old navy this weekend when i go to target (again, 30% off at old navy) and pick up some tank tops.  mine are gross and nubby from wearing them all summer.

anyway, hoping tomorrow is an ok day at work and not so long.  already worked 46 hours this week and i'm not even on day 5 yet.  tomorrow night when i get home from work, wine will be poured..

what i can live without, what i can't.

i read somewhere when you're cutting back on things, you shouldn't let yourself go.  so, the things i will not give up are as follows: eye brow tweezing, lip threading, manicures and pedicures (i'll go less frequently) and haircuts.  my job is a blessing and a curse.  b/c i come across very famous people quite a bit, i can't look like a hot mess everyday.  i will, however, no longer purchase $20 bottles of nail polish, cut back on expensive shampoo and last but not least, NO MORE LIP GLOSS!  i seriously must have 15 different lip glosses.  and these aren't cover girl, either.  we're talking every color bobbi brown has made, and countless chanel lip glosses.

also: i will not set foot into a victoria's secret.  i must have about 12 black bras and about 7 or 8 nude colored ones, and a few patterned ones too.  i could likely go a month w/o washing a single bra.  and underwear?  no more.  i have about 12 pairs of hanky pankys.  those bad boys are $18-22 per pair. for a lace thong. and i have no boyfriend.  my underwear drawers are an exploding victoria's secret showroom.

another thing i can't live without? my apartment. it makes me happy. i like my block, it's super quiet, and it's just me. i can watch whatever crappy tv shows i want without being mocked, and stay inside for a full 24 hour day and not feel like anyone is judging me for not getting out of pjs or brushing my teeth.

one thing i'll keep: about a month ago at nordstrom rack, i came across the most perfect pair of black boots.  i felt weird buying boots in july, and almost didn't get them.  i've been contemplating returning them, but i've decided to keep them.  they're exactly what i've been looking for, winter after winter. so that's my last present to myself.

here they are...

how'd i do today? not bad. got right on the subway instead of going outside to be tempted by stores. that's half the battle.  i also had a horrible, stressful day at work. my first thought was to go to bloomingdales, but i forced myself not to.  another small victory!

day 1.5

i'm bored. want to shop online. not going to do it!

day 1.

today is the day i put my foot down and stop shopping.  it's so hard.  nyc is a shopper and clothing addict's playground. just walking home from work; the options are endless. jcrew. ann taylor. bloomingdales. but, i'm going to stop. i've had enough. i'm 29 years old and this is humiliating. i should know better, i really should.  consider today the first day of the rest of my life. my debt is disgusting; probably 13k right now. i can't bring myself to add it all up right now.  but, i can do this. i know i can. i'm smart, successful, and most of all, AWARE.  writing here will be my diary; my place to document my progress.  therapy is too expensive.  this is my therapy.

today is the first day of the rest of my debt free life. it took everything in me, but instead of going shopping, i got on the bus and took myself home. it felt good.  i feel like i accomplished something.  tomorrow is day 2.  i know i can keep this going.  i have to.  and most of all, i have plenty of clothes to last me a while!